MAYHEM - Issue Four
Ten Easy Steps to Losing Your Virginity
Step 1. Kiss a boy then kiss a girl. Compare and contrast. You decide to go with boys for now, even though they smell gross. Buy a black lacy thong (apparently boys like them), hide it from your mum in your top drawer and never wear it.
Step 2. Arrange to meet someone who is a brother of your friend. Meet him in a quiet park or behind the bike shed; make sure it is somewhere appropriately dodgy. Pretend it doesn’t feel like a dead slug when he puts his tongue in your mouth. Give it 5-10 minutes, then emerge after his roving hands get a bit too adventurous.
Step 3. Wait 4 years.
Step 4. Meet a guy with a suitably hipster shortening for his name, a guy who feels ‘disenfranchised’ by society. Spend several years in awe of him, make sure you are willing to do anything for him. Well anything except that thing – because deep, deep down you know he is a twat. Never introduce him to your friends as he is ‘not that kind of guy’, the domestic kind you guess he means. Don’t call him your boyfriend as you both agree labels are dumb. When he cheats on you, wait two months then see his fiancée on Facebook. Realise fully that he is a dickhead.
Step 5. Spend several months generalising all men as scum of the earth. A tip: get drunk often, as that will help with concocting creative, man-hating similes. ‘Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.’ ‘Men are like puppies, they’re cute and you take them home, then they shit over everything you love.’ You can even bond with other women over your shared disgust. Kiss a few more girls, have some fun but if you don’t find the girl for you, return – grudgingly – to the male species.
Step 6. Have a sudden and urgent desire to get fucked. Lie awake at night agonizing over how fat and unattractive you are and constantly ask yourself ‘why won’t someone just do me?’ Begin frequenting alcohol-fuelled parties and get tired of waiting for Mr Right. Settle for Mr Right Now. Wait for 10 minutes as he tries to undo your bra, get tired and buy a bag of M&Ms instead.
Step 7. Feel left out as friends discuss sex and give you superior looks. Get angry as it’s not like you haven’t done any ‘research’. The end result of Step 7 should be crippling loneliness. Keep repeating until the loneliness really breaks your kneecaps.
Step 8. Have a range of men hit on you in increasingly creepy and inept ways. This should happen at work, on the bus, online and especially if you have the gall to walk anywhere at night. Slowly discover the courage to tell them to fuck off. Try to remember the last decent guy who was attracted to you; think on this for several hours and come up with the answer. Pour yourself a glass of wine.
Step 9. Regress to the first part of Step 6 but realise that not just anyone will do and you’ll have to wait for a suitable person to show up. Resolve that when your person shows up you will punch them and demand to know what they think they’ve been doing for the past 3 years.
Step 10. There is no step ten. You will have to repeat Steps 7, 8 and 9 until the bastard shows up.